My stepmother's burden is my ex-girlfriend.

Page 197

but……

"So you want me to go to a party I don't want to go to at all? And you want to go home alone?"

"If that's the case...would you be unhappy?"

"Of course! Let me make this clear from the start: I really cherish you."

"...Hehe. I'm glad to hear you say that."

Izana lightly touched her lips with the milk tea can.

"But... I feel that Yui-chan probably really wants to spend time with Mizuto-chan, with whom she's been working hard for weeks... even if it's just my imagination."

"...Even if that's really the case."

The darkness of the night sky was dimly illuminated by the red glow of the flames.

"She should... overcome this loneliness, I'm sure of it."

◆ Irito Yume ◆

Moving along with the crowd of executive committee members, I arrived at the playground alone.

A bright red bonfire burned fiercely in the center of the playground, sending sparkling flames drifting into the night sky.

As I silently gazed up at the scene from behind the crowd, the faces of acquaintances came into view at the edge of my field of vision.

It's Xiaoyue.

I was about to call out to her.

“Ah—”

However, I noticed it immediately.

I noticed that Kawanami was with her.

The two stood together, talking about something. They didn't hold hands, but stayed within a distance where they could faintly feel each other's breath and body temperature.

When they speak, they look at each other. When they finish speaking, their eyes return to the fire.

However, only I, as an observer, noticed it.

When Kawanami looked at the campfire, Xiaoyue always looked at Kawanami.

When Xiaoyue looked at the bonfire, Chuanbo always looked at Xiaoyue.

They looked at each other's profiles, illuminated by the firelight.

◆ Irito Mizuto ◆

"Does Mizuto think he's doing this to get to know his female classmates?"

Faced with Isana's blunt statement, I had nowhere to hide and could only nod honestly.

"That guy and I are fundamentally different races."

I watched the sparks rise and disappear, and said:

"We only ever seemed to get along on the surface. We both love reading, but our tastes are completely different, and unlike me, who enjoys being alone, she's only forced to be alone. Once she has that ability, she'll inevitably leave me and join a different group. We're just two people who happened to be in the same place by chance, by accident, and temporarily."

I knew this a year ago.

I just didn't want to admit it; I just wanted to make one last struggle.

However, no matter how painful it was for me, I couldn't bring myself to change.

"Aren't there some novels where the protagonist undergoes a growth process? A marginalized person becomes a well-connected person, or someone once ridiculed as incompetent rises to the top. I can never resonate with those kinds of protagonists. Because the changes they call growth are undeniably self-destructive. Willing to destroy oneself just to make friends? To reach the top? If this is what growth is, then what am I, who doesn't mind having no friends? What am I, who is content to stay at the bottom and doesn't care at all? -- Is it really necessary to 'grow' to be born a human being?"

I do not have a self that I can destroy.

There are no potential stats that should be developed.

I often think that I have no ideals. I only have strange feelings that shouldn't be this way, but no ideals that should be. I've read so many novels, but I haven't felt any desire to write anything myself. I've never created anything from myself.

It was all pieced together from various sources.

He pieced together a person from the novels he had read and from other people's lives.

Those who lack a sense of hierarchy will never advance. There are so many novels depicting the process of growing up, yet never one that portrays those who fundamentally lack the capacity for growth.

Anyone can become like that just by talking.

But they are unwilling to understand that some people are not included in that "anyone can" category.

"I'm just that kind of person by nature. I can improve but I can't grow. No matter what I do, I can't change myself. And I don't think there's anything wrong with it. It took me a full six months to understand that this is just my nature..."

Birthdays, Christmas, and Valentine's Day are all examples of this.

When I realized that I hadn't done anything, yet I could still act nonchalantly... it was as if I had shaken off my inner demons and understood everything.

I realized that Ayai and I are two different people.

"I don't think there's anything wrong with it, nor do I think I'm inferior to others. It's just different... You should be able to understand, right, Isana? You can understand that there are people like this in the world. And you can also understand that people like this are fundamentally unable to understand each other."

"...Yes, I understand."

Isana nodded without hesitation. This reaction greatly comforted me.

"I've been hurt many times because of my 'difference'... and because others couldn't understand this 'difference,' until I met Mizuto..."

"Right? So—"

"But wait... I want to say something."

Isana's gaze was fixed intently on my pupils.

So that no word or sentence is missed.

"Indeed, I also think that Mizuto and Yui are 'different' people. I also think that your thoughts, views on life, and ways of understanding things are all fundamentally different. If we listen to my mother and believe that only people with compatible personalities should get married, then you two shouldn't get married... But, there's no rule that says you can't fall in love with someone like that, is there?"

"……Why?"

"If you, like Mizuto or Yui, are exclusive and unable to understand the differences between yourself and others, then your relationship wouldn't work. However, heterosexuals and homosexuals can still be friends. Maybe they genuinely can't empathize with each other, but they can try to understand. Am I right?"

"…………you're right."

For example—I don't like mystery novels as much as I do.

However, I could listen to Jie talk about mystery novels. I couldn't resonate with all the enjoyment she felt—but, however, that heart-to-heart talk could never be…

"There are tons of examples of two people who grew up in completely different environments, have very different thoughts or views on life, yet still fall in love, right? You've read countless novels like that, haven't you, Mizuto? So why do you think you're the only one who can't do it?"

"........."

Ah, Izana... you're right.

It made me realize that you really are Aunt Nagira's daughter—so true it stung.

But... precisely because of this, I also came to understand something.

That's just who I am; my personality is so twisted that you can't convince me with reasonable and correct arguments.

"—I'm asking you, Isana. What exactly is 'liking'?"

I'm afraid I've kept this question from myself for a long time.

"You say it's not strange to like someone who's different from you—but is it the same if someone doesn't understand the concept of 'liking'?"

◆ Irito Yume ◆

I sat on a bench at the edge of the playground, watching the students spending their time around the campfire.

Xiaoyue and Chuanbo are there.

Hong-senpai and Haba-senpai were also there.

They laughed and talked, staring intently at each other.

I watched the flames rise.

Looking at the person standing next to me.

◆ Irito Mizuto ◆

It's not fake.

The time I spent with Ayai, the feelings I had for her... none of it was fake.

But... that's enough.

That's enough to make me lose my way.

Feeling annoyed by someone you used to like makes even seeing them a painful experience.

Six months like that... was enough for me to lose myself in the feelings that I once understood so clearly.

I looked down at the blazing campfire through the iron fence.

Looking down at the students gathered around there.

"...There's only one thing I probably wouldn't understand, even for you. I thought everything was incredibly stupid back then. I doubted what everything I'd ever done was worth... I felt utterly bored from the bottom of my heart. Once you have that kind of thought, it's too late to undo it. I couldn't understand the whole thing properly, I could only doubt. Doubt whether this feeling was real or fake—whether it was just a temporary delusion."

The more I think about it, the more lost I become.

The more I ponder it, the more confused I become.

It's no longer a question of understanding the other person or being understood.

What I can't understand is myself.

"Can you answer me, Isana...? The public talks about 'liking' all the time, but what exactly does it mean? Can you explain it to me?"

I think what I meant was: it's impossible to explain.

However, Isana looked up at the night sky and murmured for a moment.

I think I've forgotten.

Although this guy and I are of the same kind... we are by no means completely the same kind of beings.

"Then let's talk about my example."

"...Huh?"

"It's about the situation when I realized I liked Mizuto-kun... By the way, it's actually quite embarrassing to talk about, so please don't ask too many questions."

After she said that, I shut up.

Isana, still gazing at the night sky, began to speak in a calm tone:

"Actually, it was only after Yui and Minami pointed out the key points that I clearly realized my feelings. I thought, 'Yes, after what they said, I really want to go on a date or get intimate with Mizuto...' But when I thought about it more carefully, a picture flashed through my mind at that time."

"........."

"It's... your face, Mizuto's profile. When we were reading together in the library—when we were walking home together after school—I'm surprised even to myself that I know so many of Mizuto's profiles. In other words, I've spent so much time looking at Mizuto's face where his gaze is directed elsewhere."

She was wearing the Taisho Romantic outfit that suited her perfectly, looking nervously at the phone camera.

—I sat at my desk researching for the class project until late at night.

"So...it might sound simple, but I think..."

—He stared intently at the computer screen, its pages filled with data being uploaded.

Holding the poster, he spoke to his senior in a friendly manner.

—In the haunted house, he intertwined his fingers with mine and gave me a sarcastic smile.

—He stopped for only a moment, revealing a contorted expression of pain.

"The person you like is the one whose profile you've seen the most."

◆ Irito Yume ◆

—I didn't do anything special, I just looked down at the playground through the iron fence.

—Although the light was dim and it was hard to see clearly, her ears were tinged with a touch of vermilion, like the lingering afterglow of an embrace.

I recalled the events scene by scene.

Looking back on today, I was lucky enough to see the profile of the water bucket.

—With a calm expression, she helped me look at my feet, which were blistered from wearing shoes.

— Greet customers with a smile that is completely different from usual.

Perhaps, it wasn't the right answer from beginning to end.