My stepmother's burden is my ex-girlfriend.

Page 383

I had originally planned to handle it myself, but suddenly I felt vulnerable and longed to find someone to lean on.

However, I forgot that even if I confided in others about this, I would not find solace.

Only I understand that kind of pain. Bearing too much love, to the point of being overwhelmed, being pampered to the point of feeling like I was dying… and the pain of the aftereffects. Anyone who has only experienced being followed for a short period can never understand my suffering.

Not to mention... guys who are having that kind of ideal relationship.

Things that were once dazzling now seem so distant, so repulsive, and so hateful to me. I can no longer have them, I can no longer become like them... No, I shouldn't have harbored this pathetic jealousy; I genuinely enjoyed watching others fall in love... But that feeling has vanished without a trace now.

There's nothing much to talk about when it comes to love.

Nothing to see either.

Because of this thing... I have no right to enjoy it at all.

I walked out of the men's restroom without thinking about what to do next. I walked like a zombie towards the private room where Makoto and the others were.

Halfway there...

Right in the corridor...

Makoto was standing there waiting for me.

As soon as she saw me, Makoto, who was standing against the corridor wall, walked over with a worried look on her face.

"Kogure... are you alright? You seemed unwell earlier..."

Heh, I gave a cold laugh.

The way they cultivated such goodwill was truly touching.

"If you're not feeling well, don't hesitate to go home. I'll tell everyone for you—"

That's enough.

I finally let out the words that had been weighing on my mind.

"I'm so annoyed... Please, just leave me alone."

Makoto looked surprised and stared blankly at my face.

"Huh...? Why, why are you suddenly saying that?"

"Didn't you hear me tell you not to talk to me?!"

Makoto's shoulders jerked in fright, and I staggered past her.

The urticaria persisted for a long time.

The nausea hasn't gone away.

The tinnitus was ringing.

I heard the sound of the world receding from me. The sound was like the tightness in my ears when I boarded an airplane, my brain gradually being crushed into a pulp, until only round, eraser-like fragments remained. This fragment clung to the illusion of being human, but only emitted noisy, unpleasant groans.

My mood fluctuates with the changes in the class seating chart, I feel restless every Valentine's Day, or I become silly and foolish when I meet a pretty girl at work... These colorful things no longer belong to me. An animal abandoned in a gray world, refusing to admit that it is just a piece of remains, still running around and bumping into things, searching for non-existent colors.

...But what does it matter?

Because it's not important, anyway...

Everyone is a beast, only wanting to force others to accept their desires.

There was a female shop assistant behind the counter; she was the same way, probably wanting to use me to satisfy her lust. She wanted to play with me like a dress-up doll, feeding me like a pet, and then at night she would pounce on me and pin me down like a completely different person.

A group of four high school girls walked past me. They were definitely the same. Like a keychain hanging on a bag, they wished they could carry me with them. They wanted to wiggle their hips in bed, making me feel weak all over, and flaunting my exhausted body like a badge of honor. This impulse was deeply ingrained in their instincts.

This is the true face of love.

The love I've always dreamed of is just a fantasy. Even if it truly exists somewhere in this world, I'm the only one who can't experience it. Because nobody understands. No one but me knows this is the truth. That's why everyone else can continue to dream. Unlike me, who has already seen the truth and can no longer dream.

That's the truth.

From now on, I must hide this truth for the rest of my life. I'm no longer normal, yet I have to play the role of a normal person, wearing the guise of an ordinary person, deceiving the world's gaze my entire life. Ugh, the tinnitus won't stop. But I still have to pretend everything's fine. My head is throbbing. But the doctor will still say I'm perfectly healthy. My vision is blurring. I have to pretend I can see clearly, otherwise I'll even have trouble finding a job. This will always be the way it is, forever and ever—

"...Ooh..."

Hot tears rolled down my cheeks.

--- Ugh, damn it.

...I really don't want to face...that kind of life...

"It's fine."

A small hand gently stroked my back.

I don't know when I squatted down by the wall, and slowly raised my head.

Xiaoxiao—Nan Xiaoyue's face showed a determined smile.

"No matter how abnormal you become, I will take responsibility."

You... have the nerve to say that...

The anger that had surfaced in my mind melted away and disappeared for some reason.

Actually, I had already unconsciously come to understand it a long time ago.

I know that only the culprit who drove me crazy... only this guy can take responsibility for my life.

"...I...I'm so tired."

"Um."

"I'm too tired to face...this abnormal version of myself...even everyone and everything in front of me...I don't want to say anything anymore, I don't want anyone to touch me...It's all your fault...it's all your fault..."

"Then let's run away."

Xiaoxiao's cold hands gripped mine tightly.

"Let's run away to a place where there's no one, a place where no one knows you—let's run away together."

Gradually, the hives subsided.

This feeling has become the greatest comfort to me now.

Volume 12, There's Only One Man, Interlude 3

Why am I so hurt?

Others can never be your possession.

No matter how good the relationship is, how much you love each other, or whether you are dating or even married, you may stay together until the moment of death.

Therefore, there is no such thing as loss.

Even if he, who was so close to me, had someone else come into his life—I can't shamelessly say that I lost him.

But I still... don't want to lose him.

I still hope he can belong to me.

I hope he doesn't leave.

I hope he stays with me.

I'm willing to be as cute as I want, as long as these wishes come true.

I'll do whatever it takes to be as girly as you want.

Even if we can't be friends anymore...

That's nothing compared to the pain of losing you.

and so……

So I...

Volume Twelve, There's Only One Man, Chapter Three: The Paradise of the Small Garden

Irito Mizuto ◆ From afar

"What do you think?"

The woman raised her sleeves, displaying her figure in front of me.

She was wearing a yukata.

Last year's style was cute, with white fabric and pink floral patterns, but this year's color scheme is more elegant, exuding a slightly mature charm. Indeed, this style might suit Jie Nu better now. After all, both she and I have changed quite a bit over the past year.

I expressed my honest feelings:

"I think it's beautiful."

"...Do you really think so?"

Really?

"Hmm—you're praising me so easily, it feels a bit too casual..."

"Being more frank in my speech has unexpectedly brought about another kind of trouble..."

What exactly do you want from me to be satisfied?

"...Wow..."

My cousin Yuanxiang, who was watching our conversation from the side, let out a sigh.

Jie Nu turned to look at her in surprise.

"What's wrong?"

"I just feel like your relationship has become so stable~ Last year you two gave me the impression of being in the throes of adolescence, but now... should I say you've matured?"

"Yes, really?"

"It made me reflect on myself. My friends often say I'm too naive."

"Well... um..."

"See? You don't dare to say it outright!"

To be honest, my cousin only looks mature on the outside.

"Anyway, you two seem to be getting along very well, so I'm relieved. But from my perspective as an older sister, it's a real shame I didn't get to see you two being all lovey-dovey during your honeymoon phase~"

"How could I deliberately show off to you..."

"So, you mean when I'm not around, you two are all lovey-dovey and affectionate?"

“…No comment.”

"Whoa—!"

Cousin Yuanxiang's breathing became heavy, just like Isana's.

Then she put her arm around the woman's shoulder and said:

"(So, so that you can enjoy your time together, I will subtly find an opportunity for you to be alone during the festival!)"

"(Huh? No, it's alright, no need...!)"

"(Don't be shy~... I'll also teach you how to put on a yukata by yourself, so you won't get your clothes in a mess.)"

"(W-Why are you so disheveled...?)"

"(Let's not say this outright!)"

The two were whispering to each other, but you could hear them perfectly clearly.

But I put on a gentlemanly act and pretended not to hear, then looked at my phone. I've lost count of how many times I've checked it today.

After speaking with Kawanami on the phone, I sent him a message to express my concern for his safety.

However, there was not only no response, but not even a sign that it had been read.

Kawanami's reaction back then was completely abnormal... I can't imagine what's happened to him now. What kind of situation would cause someone to be so frightened by a female friend's slight advances?

"...Hasn't he replied yet?"

Jie Nu, having somehow escaped her cousin Yuanxiang's annoying pestering, looked at my phone with a worried expression.

After all, I told Yui about my conversation with Kawanami after what happened yesterday.

"Yeah, not at all. They usually reply so frequently..."

"I also tried chatting with Xiaoyue, but it didn't show as read... She's usually a super fast replyer."