My Youth Romantic Comedy Is Wrong As Expected

Page 586

What were his feelings when he played shogi with me?

"……hehe."

Yukino gently shook her head.

Thinking about it is useless. Because our youth is constantly on the wrong path.

Yukino unconsciously revealed a gentle smile.

I've been waiting for his move all along.

A type of 10-bet shogi (Japanese chess) strategy.

The publisher of the Japanese version of "Guoqing" (11 notes).

The number of levels in the 12-note checkerboard and the rank in shogi are both written as "dan" in Japanese.

Note 13 refers to the situation where the same move is repeated four times.

Short Story Collection 1: Yukino Side - Yukino Yukinoshita and Hachiman Hikigaya's Unexpected First Stage Performance

Author: Tianjin Xiang / Illustration: Ukami

I, Hachiman Hikigaya, walked along, troubled. The reason stemmed from a conversation I had not long ago in the faculty office.

As soon as I entered the faculty office, Professor Hiratsuka waved to me.

"You've arrived."

"If you need me, of course I'll come. But judging from your expression, I know it's not good news."

"Really? Now that you know, that makes things easier."

Ms. Hiratsuka, completely unfazed by my scathing sarcasm, picked up a piece of paper from the table and handed it to me. It read, "Notice of the Regional Friendship Association Meeting."

"Um...excuse me, what is this?"

"Even you, can't you tell just by looking at this?"

"Of course. You're overestimating me, whether you're praising me for good or bad."

Ms. Hiratsuka rested her hand on the table, giving me an "Oh yeah" look, but I couldn't tell what she really meant.

"The city is organizing a community event for local children, and I have been asked to ask the members of the service society to help perform a certain program."

I see. That sounds complicated.

"Performance. Why does it have to be us? This kind of thing should be handled by professionals. Outsiders will mess it up badly, that's a given."

"Don't dismiss it right away. Let me finish."

"Is that performance some kind of puppet show? Yuihama seems to be very good at that kind of thing. Yukinoshita probably isn't bad at it either."

"Don't cleverly exclude yourself."

Ugh, I got caught as expected. Maybe it's because she thinks too highly of me, for better or for worse, that she found out when I was up to no good.

The person in question, Ms. Hiratsuka, looked at me with an attitude that said, "I can see right through you," without changing her expression.

"And what they want you to perform isn't a puppet show, but a comedy routine."

"...A comedy show?"

I asked back, surprised. No, if it really meant literally, what she just said was the worst kind of request.

"That's right. The comedy show that's widely known for its manzai, short plays, stand-up comedy, rakugo, and so on."

"I see. In that case, a rakugo research club or something similar would be more suitable than a service club. So I'll take my leave now."

Just as I was about to turn around and walk out of the faculty office, my arm was grabbed forcefully.

"Hikigaya, you know, right? Our school doesn't have a rakugo research club."

"Huh? Really? In the world I know, our school seems to have clubs like the Rakugo Research Club, the Manzai Research Club, and the Tanju Club."

"No matter how many times you travel through time, the fact remains that this matter will require the help of your Service Society."

Hearing her realization, I slumped my shoulders and gave up struggling. I sighed and turned around. Hiratsuka-sensei looked at me with a slight upturn of her lips, as if she could see right through me.

"Teacher, I'd like to ask you a few questions directly about this matter."

"OK."

"Why did we even take on this job for the Service Club?! What's with this comedy show?! We have absolutely no experience with it!"

I raised the doubts that had arisen when I first heard about this, but the teacher in front of me remained calm and composed.

"Lack of experience does not mean unsuitability."

This is Schrödinger's idea. "You can't judge whether something is suitable or not if you haven't tried it" is illogical.

"And Hachiman, didn't you mention that before?"

"I?"

"When you see your classmates making a scene, you say, 'Those kinds of people think they're funny. They try to perform manzai (a type of Chinese stand-up comedy), but they end up making the atmosphere super awkward. They deserve it.'"

...Oh no. I remember now. It must be those people from the Ministry of Revenue. Those guys think that anyone would find their idiotic antics amusing, and I'm furious about it.

"After receiving this request, I did some research on 'comedic performances,' and it seems that 'comedic' is more suitable for people with dark hearts than cheerful people. In that case, I would like to ask the Service Club, led by Hachiman, the representative of the dark and gloomy humanity in my heart, to help me."

The saying that "gloomy people are better at comedy" makes sense. A certain entertainer who constantly comes up with innovative jokes once said that this is because gloomy people see things from a distorted perspective. So I understand that. But having a gloomy personality has absolutely nothing to do with this.

"In short, I've already told people that I'll be serving society by performing some kind of comedy show."

"So it was a case of acting first and informing later."

"The guests are elementary school students from the lower to middle grades of the town's community, about thirty people in total, both boys and girls. The date is in two weeks. It's up to you now."

Things have come to this point, and Hiratsuka-sensei isn't going to back down. There's nothing I can do. Sigh, I guess I'll have to talk to Yuihama. That girl might enthusiastically say, "Manzai! Not bad, give it a try—!" She might even casually suggest, "I'll do stand-up comedy—!" to lighten my load. Wow, if she really does that, Yuihama is a goddess. I'm going to rave about her.

As I walked toward the door, I saw Hiratsuka-sensei raising her hand at me from a distance.

"Oh, right! What if people say the Service Club's comedy show is terrible and it causes us to have fewer future students? So we have to make the performance a huge success no matter what! That's all."

She then presented me with a very difficult problem at the end.

As I pondered how to handle this unreasonable request, I headed towards the Service Club office. I felt it was best to honestly share my current feelings with the other members. I flung open the door and saw Yui Hama inside, scrolling through her phone.

"Ah, an autistic guy. Hi there—"

"Hey, you're busy scrolling through your phone as usual."

"Yeah—I got a bunch of text messages. Can I wait a minute? I have some to reply to."

I glanced at Yuihama, who was replying to text messages with both hands, and thought, "Such a fulfilling life requires so much time to communicate with people." I sat down opposite Yuihama and waited for her to finish texting with her friends and confirm the game.

"That finishes replying to everything."

Having many friends can be tiring too.

"Are you being sarcastic?"

Having spent so much time with me, she can now understand the unspoken meaning in my words. I'm genuinely moved.

"I'm really happy to be friends with them, something you'll never understand in your entire life."

"Really? I just can't accept a relationship where we're not close, and it's just about exchanging good morning messages."

"You're overthinking it. We just made plans to go to the shopping mall later."

Hearing this made me even more terrified of these "norm-obsessed" people. Being semi-forced to cultivate relationships with people who just happen to be in the same year and class, even having to spend holidays together—it's practically torture. What sins did they commit in their past lives to deserve this kind of suffering? I sighed deeply.

"You autistic guy, your thoughts are written all over your face."

Yuihama squinted at me.

"Oh, really? Do you know what I'm thinking?"

I stared at Yui. Yui immediately turned her head away, probably because she couldn't stand my gaze.

"Don't stare at me..."

"What? You don't want to be stared at by someone with a fierce look?"

"I didn't say that!"

Yui puffed out her cheeks in denial. Really? That's good. Even though I said it myself, if she really didn't want me staring at her, I'd be terribly upset.

"Let's stop joking. Hiratsuka-sensei just told me that someone has commissioned the Service Club to perform a comedy act at a community event for local children."

"Huh? What's that? It sounds really interesting."

Just as I expected, Yuihama was very interested.

"Right? You must have one or two favorite celebrities too."

"Yeah! I like that celebrity! The one who apologizes with 'Golden Drops of Apologetic'!" (Note 14)

They gave an example that was even more obscure than I imagined. It was about a comedian from a long time ago. I heard he's still working hard now.

"This is a rare opportunity to do the same thing as your favorite artist. Would you like to give it a try if you're interested?"

"Okay! I want it! When?"

"Saturday two weeks from now."

"Two Saturdays from now, right? That's the beginning of next month... Ah."

Yuihama, who always wore a smile, looked melancholy.

"...Sorry, that day might not be convenient."

"What's wrong?"

"I have an appointment with someone."

Yui showed me her phone screen, which read—

"Then it's decided that we'll all go to that shopping mall together next Saturday! No refusing like before."

The sender thoughtfully wrote "Yumiko." It must be Miura Yumiko. Yuihama chuckled wryly.

"Is it... absolutely necessary to go?"

"Of course! She said you can't refuse."

"Uh, I know... but isn't that something you do on purpose when you're being funny?"

"Pack?"

Yuihama tilted her head.

"I once saw a comedian on a TV show say that when he tells people not to push him, he's the one who wants to be pushed. Isn't that the same principle?"

"Of course they're different! Yumiko wouldn't think like a comedian!"

Yuihama shook her head in denial; her reaction alone reveals Miura's personality. Okay, that's it.

"The date was really decided based on that text message just now. The timing is really bad."

There are clearly such motivated people, but the timing just doesn't match up. I find it hard to accept, but there's nothing I can do about it. Thinking about it calmly, Yuihama's favorite comedian is "Desuyo," and since she wouldn't understand what I meant by "pretending," she might just cause an awkward silence if she went on stage.

"I'm so sorry!"

Yui clasped her hands together in front of her. I told her "It's okay," took a breath, and prepared myself.

Hmm, let's think of a script for a stand-up comedy routine.

I said goodbye to Yuihama, left the service club, and returned home. In my room, I sat in front of my laptop, pondering a script for my stand-up comedy routine. There was only one reason for choosing stand-up comedy: Yuihama was unavailable. That left only Yukinoshita. But Yukinoshita couldn't possibly accept the commission, so I would have to do the stand-up comedy myself. Logically, this was the most constructive solution. Although I was very unwilling. Really unwilling. Extremely unwilling.

However, after staring at my notebook for two hours, I was surprised to find that I couldn't think of anything. Huh? How am I supposed to write a script? What exactly is "funny"? Are all comedians who can come up with jokes incredibly talented? Comedians are truly amazing; the only word to describe them is "respect"!

Even if I thought that way, respectable comedians wouldn't write a script for me.

But thinking about it carefully, the script to be performed doesn't necessarily have to be one I wrote. The target audience is elementary school students. Would performing jokes for elementary school students make them think, "Oh, I've seen that joke before?" No, impossible.

it is good.

Go copy someone else's work.

Once I made up my mind, I opened a video submission website on my computer, searching for videos of unknown stand-up comedians. I looked for scripts that were both funny and had the rough, high-quality feel of something a high school student would write…

I searched on my computer for about an hour and found a decent script. The plot involves an unknown celebrity acting as a "punching bag," deliberately saying annoying things to get others to beat him up. That's it. It feels like the kind of script I'd come up with if I were someone who talks in an annoying way, and the joke makes sense.

I watched that video several times and wrote the lines in my notebook. As soon as I finished writing them down, I immediately started practicing while looking at my notebook.

"I'm your punching bag. You can hit me anytime. Here I come... Are all those clothes your mom bought at the charity sale? Thump!"