My Youth Romantic Comedy Is Wrong As Expected

Page 674

"Ugh, ugh!" Upon hearing my reply, the garbage maker, Zaimokuza, let out a disgusting, strange sound. "They...they actually said my winning strategy, which I stayed up all night to come up with, is garbage..."

He was muttering something under his breath... This is a sure-win strategy.

I looked again at the junk he had given me—correction, a "proposal" titled "Winning Strategy." What came to mind, of course, was yesterday's conversation.

"The pride shattered by battle can only be regained through battle. Hachiman, don't you think so?" Zaimokuza, who suddenly appeared, uttered these words.

The "battle" he was referring to was probably the various mistakes Hiratsuka-sensei made at the otaku wedding event. I see, that makes sense.

For example, PTSD, commonly known as the symptoms of psychological trauma, is treated by confronting the causes of the trauma. This is also known as exposure therapy.

"Ha. Since ancient times, the true path to victory has always been for the protagonist who, defeated in battle, regroups and ultimately triumphs. There's a romance in that. The same applies to One Piece, and to Naruto."

But Zai Muza couldn't possibly think that far ahead; he only said that based on his immature, chuunibyou (delusional) mindset.

"In short, let me, the swordsman general Yoshiteru Zaimokuza, handle this matter! Don't worry, leave everything to me! I won't harm you! Hahahahahahaha!"

So, the next day after school, Zaimuza called me to the nearest Saizeriya. I went with a stern face and he forced me to read that inexplicable, weird article, and it's been like this ever since.

I asked him, "So what exactly is this?"

"Hmm? As you can see, it's a business plan documenting the sure-fire strategies for winning at home marriage, 'The Secret Manual'?"

No. There's no such thing as a foolproof formula for success based on a bunch of small details. Seriously, what's with this proposal? Why make it so formal?

"You ask me why? Aren't I going to become a billionaire by writing light novels in the future?"

"Really? This is the first time I've heard of that plan."

"And so-called bestselling light novel authors, to put it bluntly, are just people who make money off otaku. Bestselling authors who are popular all over the world definitely only treat their fans as ATMs. In other words, only those who know otaku's likes and dislikes inside and out, and can get them to open their wallets, can climb to the position of bestselling author. That's right, like me!"

"Wow, that's intense. Your thought process is heading in the wrong direction. Your happiness circuit is about to burn out."

Instead of wasting time daydreaming, you should hurry up and finish writing your novel. Besides, I don't think a bestselling light novel author would have such outrageous thoughts. I'm not sure though.

"To put it bluntly, the type of woman the men who attend these 'stay-at-home marriage' events like is crystal clear to me! Since that's the case!"

In that case, listing the female characters that otaku like and guiding Hiratsuka-sensei to a successful otaku marriage is incredibly simple. The guiding principle is this "108 Rules for Winning Over Otaku".

"I'll become a man who rises to fame through shrewd and calculating planning skills. Before I knew it, I'd already written a business plan. Ugh, I'm really worried about my marketing abilities..."

"What's truly terrifying is your astonishing level of delusion. It's just too horrible to witness."

From the very beginning, it's clear this is based on your own experience. You can even glimpse into this guy's usual private life; how pathetic.

"Hmm. That being said, Hachiman, to be honest, the desires of otaku in the world can't be limited to this, right? The source of this information is me."

"Uh, well..."

But I think that's probably the extent of a nerdy guy's—or rather, an unpopular guy's—desire. The source is me. But I don't think this stuff is useful at all.

Rather, did Hiratsuka-sensei agree?

I remember yesterday, Professor Hiratsuka said, "No, Zaimokuza. I appreciate your suggestion, but based on professional ethics, teachers cannot ask students to help them find partners..." and "Besides, this is not my own experience, it's just a hypothesis..." until the very end, he refused.

As I was thinking, my phone vibrated. It seemed to be a text message. Should I check it...?

From Hiratsuka to Hikigaya: Main purpose - Inquiring about progress.

My friend Zaimokuza has already explained the details to me. I heard you'll also help build my image so I can have a better chance at my next home-based marriage? I look forward to seeing how you both perform. As for me, although I don't know if it will be effective, I plan to visit some energy-rich places like matchmaking shrines in the prefecture to accumulate cosmic energy that can attract a good match. Actually, Chiba has many famous tourist spots—

Seeing this, I quietly put my phone away.

"Hmm? What's wrong, Hachiman? Don't you need to go back to them?"

"No, it's just spam. It says some dying millionaire is going to leave his inheritance to me."

That person is sick.

Marriage and wedding dates are taboo subjects that rob people of their normal judgment! Marriage-related matters are absolutely off-limits!

"Hmm, let's revise the proposal then. My personal opinion is..."

Thus began the emergency project I devised, "Creating a Brand New Image for Shizuka." Huh? You want me to be with her? Are you insisting on featuring Hachiman Hikigaya?

To be honest, I don't really want to get involved in this...

Thus, the training program for Hiratsuka Shizuka began.

We've decided to focus our plans on that Saturday since we're having a great home-based wedding party the following Saturday.

Day 1 of the event.

The following Saturday evening, the lumberyard called me out, and I reluctantly went to Saizeriya—

"—The time is ripe; the plan will enter its final stage. Are you ready, Fuyutsuki (Note 8)?"

"That's too fast. How can a plan reach the final stage so quickly?"

That rubbish proposal was only finished yesterday, and the plan is almost complete today. Commander Ikari moves incredibly fast. As fast as an OVA that tells its story in a single 30-minute episode.

"Haha, that goes without saying! For light novel authors, production speed is the lifeblood! I've heard that fast-paced writers who can consistently provide manuscripts to meet publishers' publishing quotas will be given important roles by editors, even if they only produce terrible work. In other words, I'm practically a top-tier author! It's like I've married a voice actress!"

"You're being far too optimistic, using such obviously fake industry information found online as your source of information..."

He's so optimistic I suspect he's taking medication that might stimulate his brain. I hope he can turn over a new leaf before the police take him away.

"Oh, so? You mean that? That garbage proposal from yesterday is already finished?"

"Yes, that's right. After all, it's a character designed by a genius writer like myself, so it's naturally flawless. Unfortunately, I might not be able to understand the feelings of a layperson. Just to be on the safe side, I'd like to have you see the finished product in person before telling me your thoughts."

"Hey, don't just casually categorize yourself as someone who's not an outsider."

You're a complete novice too... Wait, the finished product?

"Huh? What? Does that mean not only will the proposal be presented today, but Professor Hiratsuka will also be here in person? Right here?"

「没wrong"!" Zai Muzuka spoke with an incredibly irritatingly rolled "r" and nodded. "Look forward to it. And then watch closely! The true form of the saintess who has been transformed by me!"

Wait, is this for real? It's only been a day and we've already reached this stage? Your work efficiency is phenomenal! Could this guy really be a genius producer?

Following the genius Jun-kun♂ and Nakata Yasutaka (Note 9), Zai-mokuza, who possesses entirely new possibilities... no, Zai-mokuza P's glasses reflect sunlight, shining with an exceptionally wise brilliance.

Needless to say, that was just a misunderstanding on my part.

Ten minutes later, Hiratsuka-sensei appeared in the store dressed in a way that was utterly indescribable in terms of shame.

Upon seeing the timber stand, she rushed over with a conflicting expression of anger and slight tears.

"Hey, hey, timber pedestal?!"

Thump! She slammed her hand on the table and roared.

"Hey, Zaimokuza, is this really the 'most popular and amazing outfit in history'?! The way people were looking at me just now was like I was a pitiful person... Hachiman?! You're here too?!"

"Teacher, why are you dressed like that...?"

When I said this to Hiratsuka-sensei, whose eyes were wide open, her already red face immediately turned as red as a boiled octopus. Well, that's true. Hiratsuka-sensei, whose image had been drastically transformed by Zaimokuza, was wearing such embarrassing clothes.

"Virgin Killer Outfit".

Do you guys remember those kinds of clothes that were popular online before? Something like that.

The pure white shirt was tied at the collar with a bright red ribbon, while the vest-skirt with shoulder straps was a contrasting black. The vest accentuated her slender waist and highlighted her ample bust, which filled out the white shirt. The puffy skirt covering her lower body created a strong sense of dreaminess, revealing a pair of long, slender, antelope-like legs.

A perfect blend of innocence and sexiness—I've said something silly like that before, but it really does describe it well.

Pure yet sexy, sexy yet pure—this miraculous harmony is incredibly alluring, strongly stimulating my virginity detector.

On the other hand, I also sincerely believe that at her age, isn't she ashamed to dress like that?

"Um, although I have a lot to say... first, may I ask how old you are, teacher?"

“Ugh!”

Hiratsuka-sensei let out a groan as if she were about to vomit blood, knelt on the ground, and then said in a voice trembling with tears:

"Stop talking, Hachiman! Stop talking...!"

"Ah, but it's better than I expected. The contrast with my age actually creates a sense of safe landing even when I'm close to being out..."

"Hachiman, grit your teeth! Take this! The first punch of my attack (Note 10)!"

—Then, the timber stand said this.

"This is the true power of 'Using the ultimate weapon against otaku to shoot down the innocent iron maiden'! By dressing older women in dreamy and girlish clothes, her saintly power is amplified to the limit! Virginity will die. I will die too."

As expected of Mr. Zaimokuza, still as incompetent as ever. I was so foolish to have had such high hopes for you…

But to be honest, I kind of think it's not bad for older women to feel ashamed of dressing like this.

—Don't do anything strange. If you're going to do something, do it step by step, be down-to-earth, and play it safe.

Needless to say, the next day Hiratsuka-sensei put forward strict guidelines.

Mr. Hiratsuka, who accepted the woodwork proposal without question and made a huge blunder, later recounted the incident in this way.

"I lost my mind... For some reason, I actually felt that there wouldn't be a problem... It was the intense emotions from staying up all night that made me do this..."

We must not let such a tragedy repeat itself. If she were to attend a wedding party dressed like that again, Ms. Hiratsuka would surely choose death herself.

Therefore, the "creating a brand new image for Xiaojing" project changed direction drastically just a few days after it started.

We started looking for new routes.

"Hmm—so, have you thought of another plan, Hachiman?"

"I'm telling you, this is what you should be thinking..."

I tried to complain, but continuing to leave it to the woodworker would obviously only lead to repeating the same mistakes.

We should find a new producer to develop a plan.

So, who is the new producer? No explanation is needed.

That's me, the legendary genius known as the number one in Agency 346, Hikigaya P.

In this way, I came up with proposal ②.

"In my opinion, trying to win favor through the appearance of clothes is a mistake from the start."

The next day after school.

I emphasized this to the familiar Saizeriya, Zaimuza, and to Ms. Hiratsuka, who had just finished get off work.

When participating in matchmaking events... especially those targeting otaku, the most important thing is not appearance, including looks and clothing, in my opinion.

So, what is the most important element in this situation?

"Hey, Hachiman, stop keeping us in suspense. Just tell us what you've got in mind."

Professor Hiratsuka urged me to give my conclusion, and I didn't answer for quite some time.

That's the skill of an expert who manipulates the opposite sex and makes money—a skill that nightclub hostesses or male escorts should possess.

That's right, it's "hospitality capacity".

—Hospitality. Instead of giving a long explanation of that mysterious term, taking action would be much faster. So I suggested holding a mock exercise, a role-playing exercise.

"Role-playing? You mean that? It's something you're sometimes asked to do in the service industry..."

Yes—I'll answer Hiratsuka-sensei's question briefly.

To explain "role-playing" in dictionary terms, it means "a learning method in which each person plays their own role, experiences a specific situation, and thereby comes up with appropriate coping strategies."

For example, people working in restaurants might use improvisational drama to simulate situations involving customer complaints or difficult customers, learning in advance how to handle them. Although the meaning is slightly different, disaster prevention drills held by schools could also be considered role-playing.

"In short, you'll know once you try. I'll play the role of otaku A, the one who talks to Hiratsuka-sensei, and you, Zaimokuza, will..."

"Hoo hoo hoo, leave it to me. I know exactly what you're thinking..."

You're of no use, so could you just shut up and be a pebble dropped outside the meeting room? I was about to continue when Cai Muzuo presumptuously declared:

"Then, I will become the assassin who infiltrates the venue disguised as an ordinary person after learning that my nemesis has appeared there."Alright. Don't be shy, we're so familiar with each other. No need to thank me.

"No, there's no such role..."

Who is it? That nemesis who suddenly appeared in the conversation, . What's he doing at the otaku wedding event? That kind of person definitely doesn't deserve to be eliminated.

On another note, could you please not force yourself into the conversation just because you sense that the other person doesn't want to talk to you?

And so, the first act of the situation drama begins.

The scenario we designed is... a guy named A who talks about obscure, otaku knowledge with an attitude of "It's normal to know this, right?"

"Um, teacher... no, Ms. Hiratsuka, do you have any favorite anime?"

"Oh, wow, it's starting so soon. Hmm. My favorite anime is definitely Super Soldier..."